Susie of Stanton @ KCAD: Act One, Scene One

First class of 2D Design-check.

First class of Drawing II-check.

First class of Color-check.

Now I just have Western Art History this afternoon, and Art Ed. History on Thursday. 

This first week is exciting and exhausting. The adrenaline is kicking in at unfortunate times (when I should be SLEEPING!). The supplies needed for class are expensive--I'm guessing around $200-$400 [Ak, Lord, help!]. The Treehouse girls (my house mates)...are sweeties! It *may* be too early to say, but we are definitely getting along. We have meaningful similarities, yet enough differences to make life exciting. This is good, especially since I've signed a lease spanning till next June. 

Favorite small moments:

• While riding the bus, I've found that I have a similar schedule to a GRCC student named Shemel (Sha-mel). She is boisterous and outgoing, obviously not timid in dealing with strangers. While her chatter is full of drama, I appreciate this quasi-bus-friend. I enjoy riding the bus in general--I like the small, getting-to-know-you-while-we-pass-time conversations. 

• Dear Kristy took me out to coffee at the quaint Common Grounds around the corner from our houses to celebrate the first day of classes, and then we dropped by the Family Fare grocer. Having a close friend to do these small things with is delightful. 

• When I got back home from classes yesterday afternoon, there was a pink notice posted by our door, "Public Nuisance-grass longer than 12 in; rectify situation by this date or be fined". I just moved in, and I'm already a public nuisance! ha. Heidi (the housemate whose moving), borrowed a push mower (a REAL one, without an engine), and between her, Katie, and I, we spent hours dominating that yard...(we're not quite finished--those suckers take a lot of work to operate!) While one mowed, the other two chatted about life, and we took turns ^_^ Good exercise, good conversations, and eight blisters on my hands. 

• THEN, we sat around with our other housemates, Tacho and Mary Grace, eating salsa, dips, chips, and friends came to visit--Jonathan, Jake, Jim. (Do the Treehouse girls only associate with guys that names start with 'J'?) ;) It was good housemate/friend bonding time. 

With these new and old fulfilling friendships, I can tell "Home" will definitely be a refreshing place away from classes.

I'm not going to lie--I "know" God provides, he works all things together for the good who love him and are called according to his purpose, I can trust Him, etc---but I'm still overwhelmed. It will truly take a miracle to pay for tuition, pay rent, buy food, pay bills. I see no possible way, but I'm LEAPING, rocketing, this direction in faith. I've always paid my bills on time (usually well before), and my stomach turns at the thought of not having enough on the due date, of having to pay late fees.

So pray: that people will hire my art skills for portraits, that I will find a part-time job somewhere close, that I would remain trusting and joyful in the Lord in the midst of stress (and unfortunate lack of sleep), for SLEEP...yes. Sleep....zzzz

Ah! I can't sleep right now! I have my first day of Western Art History to get to :) 

More prayer: for wisdom and good stewardship. 

May you be encouraged to radically trust God in pursuing your own dreams, and may you (and I!) joyfully submit and be aware to the little details of life--the challenges, duties, details, and pleasures. Peace be with you!

Susie from Stanton at KCAD: Introduction

Life is sometimes as slow as molasses. Then, like lightning, we find ourselves in changing circumstance. Since I'm a 'go-with-the-flow' person/ path of least resistance (think 'the power of water', not 'coward'), this life-change is frequent. 

Did you know I'm a student at Kendall College of Art & Design in Grand Rapids? Yes, It's true! Yesterday at orientation I got my KCAD Student ID and everything! Immersed in a sea of creatives--I am overwhelmed! This place pin-pointedly addresses my artistic nature--something I've never quite allowed myself before. It's glorious.

I was going to move into the city, then decided I couldn't afford it, so my mind was settled on commuting an hour (two) everyday. But then a slightly cheaper spot opened closer to downtown, so here I come Grand Rapids! It's a bumpy transition, moving into "The Treehouse" (as my future housemates dubbed their dwelling) the first week of classes.

Excitement. Excitement. Excitement. 

I'm nervous, of course. I'm writing this at 5am because the adrenaline produced by pursuing this dream equates to only needing four hours of sleep. Earlier, when I refused to get out of bed, staring up at the dark ceiling, my mind was full of questions, like, "How will I manage to afford supplies? I need a better wardrobe-how can I afford it? How much am I actually going to eat this semester? Am I going to get a callback for a job? How is this dream sustainable *at all*?"

But there's not doubt in my mind that this is the right thing to do. Susie from Stanton at KCAD, fine-tuning her intrinsic skills. Praise be to God. 

If you're the praying sort, send word His way: for my provision, a means-of-income, sustainable well-being, positive/growing living and academic situations. Frequent verbal and written encouragement would be deeply appreciated. Sometimes I (we) need to be reminded that hard things are worth doing. 

Thank you for reading thus far! May you be encouraged and inspired towards your own God-given goals! Peace & Blessings, brothers and sisters in Christ and friends of the world. 

Now, in your best ninja voice, say, "HI-YA!"

History and Hope

In 1989 I was born in Lexington, Kentucky. I was the fifth child to my parents. They had moved from Indiana to Kentucky four years prior with three children so that my father could accept accept a pastoral and teaching position. We lived atop a hill on the remote Kentucky Mountain Bible College's campus. 

After adding my sister and I to the family, we moved to Potsdam, Ohio in 1992 to another pastoral position. We lived across from the church in that small village for eleven years. What I did best: played, dreamed, copied my brothers and sisters, read, drew, felt insecure about my position in the world. 

Then, in 2003, we moved away from everything I knew to Montcalm County, Michigan. No friends, no point of reference. I was scared, mad and lonely. But I made friends. I did life. My commitments were ambiguous at best. The future was a mystery that I didn't feel like I had any control over. 

In 2007 I enrolled at Bethel College (Mishawaka, Indiana) to study Sign Language Interpreting. People said I was good at signing; they said it would be a good ministry to those disadvantaged deaf people. My parents went to Bethel; from the stories, it was a familiar place. I made friends. I had a good time. I took out 20,000 in loans to drift through the experience. It was fun. I gained a lot of social, academic and 'spiritual' experience, But in the fall of 2009, I decided that's not how I wanted to live--in debt. Drifting.

I left Bethel after the spring semester of 2010 and volunteered for the summer at St. Peter Claver Catholic Worker in South Bend. The experience was challenging, riveting. That community, with it's ideas of love and hospitality, justice and mercy--that's how I wanted to live. But it was exhausting work, and I was happy to go home at the end of the summer.

Home, work, life was dry. It's not what I expected or wanted. I tried to "run away" (not literally, but in in sense to responsibility) But I came back once, twice, out of necessity, more tangled in my web of financial and relational recklessness. My present was holding me accountable for my irresponsible ambiguity of my youth. Bondage is devastating, especially when it's well deserved. 

So now, at present, I am learning to be more responsible--to work for what I want, to maintain appropriate relational boundaries. To be realistic, to plan, to practice hope in the face of ingrained and societal negativity. There's more that I'm learning that I can't put a name to yet.

And all this history has brought me to this point:

I am attending Kendall College of Art & Design this fall to study Art Education. 

I don't have steady employment, although I'm looking.

I'm commuting-an hour drive one way, because I can't afford to live in Grand Rapids at the present. 

My goal is this: to do well at school, not take out more loans, work perhaps full time third shift; all this to become an art teacher. I want to be an art teacher--not just in a school or college, but I want to work in prisons and shelters. Moreso, I want to establish a neighborhood art club for various ages so that I have a medium to inspire children, teens, and adults who are marginalized, down on their luck and hope. I want to love them, to show them that they have potential, show them that "In repentance and rest is their salvation; in quietness and trust is their strength." There is hope. 

Weakness and Strategy

Phrases that frequently tumble in my mind,
"The more words, the less meaning; how does that profit anyone?"
"In repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength."

These phrases spark the questions, "Is communication important? Does my 'voice' matter? Does my desire to communicate and connect produce anything profitable? Is my perspective of scripture producing unhealthy guilt?"

Other things that tumble in this noggin:
Envy [why do they get praised? why am i not being recognized?] Source: vanity & pride.

Jealousy [i want to be in a relationship that seems that comfortable. I want enough money as to not worry] Source: ingratitude.

Obsession [For some reason, nearly everything reminds me of one person whom I loved. I constantly hope they will email me or call me, or show up]. Source: inability to grasp reality.

I desire clarity. I desire to live joyfully, calmly, graciously, gratefully.

What steps do I need to get there?
Practice gratitude. Practice joy in others' accomplishments. Practice meditating on reality and seeking advice (I esteem the counseling field).
Is it so simple? Yes. All things are input and habit based. What am I "feeding" my mind, emotions, and body? What habits do I need to change?

Me, Me, Me

 “Live for something higher, bigger and better than you.” 
Is what a tea tag says. I saw it on facebook.
I felt convicted. Why? 
I spent much of this day at work buried deep in a book, then my laptop, researching, learning, applying to "scholarships". Trying to apply everything to my life, trying to find things that will benefit ME, because after all, I'm worried about how I will afford college this fall and where I will find housing and get a job. Legitimate concerns, but I use SO MUCH of my time thinking, worrying, plotting about this. 

What about the 6billion other people on this planet? Or just simply my co-workers, my parents, the people I pass by today? Could I take a freaking minute to engage with them instead of feeling like they're infringing on 'my' valuable time?

That starts, I guess with putting this computer down for the day. 

To Be or Not To Be: that is the power of my choice

You know those silent, imaginary arguments you have in your head? I do that a lot. I just caught myself doing that right now. Who was I 'talking to' this time? I think some hypothetical co-worker. And I was arguing something silly: the term I would use if I was in a relationship (and I was using it in the argument as if I *was* in one), and "they" had a problem with that. I caught myself with this thought: wow, these arguments contain so many falsities...What I'm arguing *for* isn't a reality (I'm not even in a relationship), and who I'm arguing *with* isn't a reality, and I wouldn't want to be so abrasive in reality...and I looked around me. Look how quite it is! See your present circumstance? Quiet. The sun is dawning. Someone's unloading a truck next door. Someone's taking a shower downstairs. Listen. THIS is your present reality. JUST. BREATHE. Be. Here. 

Discrimination

Currently Reading:
"The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness" by Michaelle Alexander

Things I've learned in the Introduction: 

- In 1972, fewer than 350,000 people were being held in prisons and jails nationwide, compared with more than 2 million people today. This magnum rate increase is directly correlated with the "War on Drugs".

- The War on Drugs began at a time when illegal drug use was on the decline.

-A few years after the drug war was declared, crack began to spread rapidly in the poor black neighborhoods of Los Angeles and later emerged in cities across the country.

- The CIA admitted in 1998 that guerrilla armies it actively supported in Nicaragua were smuggling illegal drugs into the US; they also admitted to blocking law enforcement efforts to investigate illegal drug networks that were helping to fund its covert war in Nicaragua. 

- The National Advisory Commission on Criminal Justice Standards and Goals issued a recommendation in 1973, that "no new institutions for adults should be build and existing institutions for juveniles should be closed" because they found that "the prison, the reformatory and the jail have achieved only a shocking recored of failure. There is overwhelming evidence that these institutions create crime rather than prevent it." 

- Once you're labeled a felon--employment discrimination, housing discrimination, denial of the right to vote, denial of educational opportunity,denial of food stamps and other public benefits, and excision from jury service are legal.


My Conclusions so far: 
1.) Wow. Who made these policies? Obviously our mindsets and policies need a dramatic change. And if the policies don't change, the representatives need to. 
2.) I need to start involving myself in politics, going to town meetings, voting and such…….(ek!)
3.) The substances and activities our towns, states, and country legalizes and taboos is baffling…

Trials

Two of my good friends' mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. This woman's sister recently died from cancer a hemisphere away. Her father died recently, too. How scary for this woman and her family, faced with life and death uncertainty.

A dear friend of mine in prison is getting out either in 50 days or next April, or anywhere in between. He's in a dormitory setting, and has absolutely zero time alone to his thoughts. Being cooped up with life's more inconsiderate people is challenging. The uncertainty of his release date is straining. He longs to be out, but that's when the real challenge begins: how to find a job that will not reject him because of labels, how to recover his finances and relationships from past poor choices, how to resist temptation in the face of despairing circumstance. 

A friend can't get a job, because he doesn't have a vehicle, and he can't get a vehicle without money. Do you know how challenging this is for a man who was in prison for 14 years for armed robbery? A man who lived a gang life selling and doing drugs? He wants to live an honest, reputable life. What chances does he have? The only big encouragement he's had recently is getting an apartment through housing authority--his first space to himself ever--we rejoice! The comfort and joy of this chance has me rethinking my prejudice against governmental assistance…

These stories could go on and on. We all have our strains, our obstacles, our fears. 

Dear Jesus, my heart groans! There's pain, sympathy, frustration, and inexplicable more welling up. You know all things. All we have to offer is our tears and petty "strength". This world is broken, WE are broken. Come fill us with your life, your hope, your wisdom. Renew our strength, renew our hope. Open our eyes to the blessings around us.  

God, there is nothing I can do for you. But I will let you do amazing things for me, in me, through me. Give me your spirit, give me your blessing, give me your power, give me your patience and compassion, give me your strength, give me your comfort. And you know, Lord, when I say 'me', I'm saying it for each one of us. Lord Jesus, come. 

---

"APPROACH EACH NEW DAY with desire to find Me. Before you get out of bed, I have already been working to prepare the path that will get you through this day. There are hidden treasures strategically placed along the way. Some of the treasures are trials, designed to shake you free from earth-shackles. Others are blessings that reveal My presence: sunshine, flowers, birds, friendships, answered prayer. I have not abandoned this sin-wracked world; I am still richly present in it.

Search for deep treasure as you go through this day. You will find Me all along the way."

 (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

Echos

I stand among you as one who offers a small message of hope, that first, there are always people who dare to seek on the margin of society, who are not dependent on social acceptance, not dependent on social routine, and prefer a kind of free-floating existence under a state of risk. And among these people, if they are faithful to their own calling, to their own vocation, and to their own message from God, communication on the deepest level is possible. And the deepest level of communication is not communication, but communion. It is wordless. It is beyond words, and it is beyond speech, and it is beyond concept. Not that we discover a new unity. We discover an older unity. My dear brothers and sisters, we are already one. But we imagine that we are not. So what we have to recover is our original unity. What we have to be is what we are.

(Thomas Merton, spoken November 1968)

Defining Contimplation

Contemplation is life itself, fully awake, fully active, fully aware that it is alive. It is spiritual wonder. It is spontaneous awe at the sacredness of life, of being. It is gratitude for life, for awareness, and for being. It is a vivid realization of the fact that life and being in us proceed from an invisible, transcendent, and infinitely abundant Source. Contemplation is, above all, awareness of the reality of that Source. It knows the Source, obscurely, inexplicably, but with a certitude that goes beyond reason and beyond simple faith..It is a more profound depth of faith, a knowledge too deep to be grasped in images, in words, or even in clear concepts.

(p47, Choosing to Love the World by Thomas Merton)

Beginning

Currently Reading: 

• Choosing to Love the World by Thomas Merton
• One Song: A New Illuminated Rumi by Michael Green 

Daily Devotionals:

• Shorter Christian Prayer
• Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
• On Track Devotions: May-August by Pilgrimage Educational Resources

A dear friend encouraged me to write a poem reflecting Rumi's style. Here's my attempt: 

You ask for wisdom
but what you seek
has already been said.
This 'knowing' you desire
is everywhere.
Don't be blind
don't ask for what you already have,
Look,
Count your blessings.

Here's another: 

Caught in the cloud of Mind,
I easily forget
every good thing.

Being contemplative is so easily mocked and misunderstood. 

And to tell you the truth, being contemplative doesn't (automatically) get me what I want, either. 

What I want: to feel accepted, to be at peace, to be a presence of comfortable peace for others. Too often I come across as aloof. Often I feel conflict and negativity, too, reactively springing up from the noise and drama of other people's lives. 

But I think Quietness is an important pursuit. I think Stillness is an amiable goal. I think listening and observing--my surroundings, my body, my mind--is healthy and so missed in our culture today. So, I will pursue this way of living despite the mocking and misunderstanding. Why be less because of 'your' misery? And who says 'you're' miserable, anyway? It's time to stop assuming, and start knowing.